friends

Take Care

I wrote the last post about my tribe. This one’s about them too. What can I say? They’re damn important.

Life is so completely terrifying. Junior high was ridiculous. High school was a sprint, not a marathon, like we were led to believe. THe fact that in two weeks I have to move to a new city and live with three new people makes me feel so completely alone. I know I’m not, but it doesn’t change the fact that I can feel the darkness closing in, and I’m suffocating. I know that when I resurface things will be different. I’ll be different. My perspective will be gawky, and bleary, and new in all of the good and bad ways that it can be. The best I can do now, is hold my people as close as I can when all I want to do is keep them at an arms length so my chest doesn’t hurt so much.

I can’t do that, because we have to take care of the people we love. No one can do any of this on their own. Take care of your people. Laugh at their dumb jokes. Feed them when they’re hungry. Hold them when they cry. Realize that you have people in your life who want nothing more than to see you happy. A lot of them would do anything to make that happen for you. They squash down their own discomfort for you to be happy. They step out of their safe place to please you. They genuinely take interest in things that you care about, because they care about you.

Not everyone is going to love you every time. Some people though, they’ll love you all the time. Find people who love you, and take care of them. Let them take care of you.

There is a way to tell if the friends you have are these people that I write about. Imagine your worst day. I know it hurts, but just try. Imagine yourself at your absolute lowest point. Are these people that are willing to sit next to you on the sofa in your worst moment, and watch bad TV, and pass you kleenex, and just hold your hand while you lose your mind? If the answer is yes, then you’ve found them.  Congratulations.

It took me three years of junior high, and almost four years of high school to find these people. I’m not sure where I go from here. I’m not sure how I form relationships like these. You see, I lucked into these relationships. These people are good, and wonderful, and kind. They take my feelings into account. They take me feelings onto themselves in an attempt to make my shoulders a little lighter. They don’t have to, they just do. I am surrounded by people who have been sown together at the broken ends.

Find the people who you love, and who love you, and take care of them. Understand what they need. Hear what they say to you. Reassure them that they are not alone. Take the time to tell them you love them, because for a lot of us, in two weeks it all changes. Take care of them because they make life more bearable. Let them take care of you.

Tribe

For four years I did my best to push through high school. I tried to only get as close to other people as absolutely necessary for survival. I wanted to get in, do well in school, and get out.

Just keep looking for the light. The light that is college, and interesting people, and intellectual conversation. Just keep searching for the light. There has to be a way out of this tunnel.

And I made it. I survived high school. I had a few friends, and managed to alienate everyone else. It was a very successful experiment in social interaction. Except then they came along. They came along with there similar taste in television. And their complete openness to everything. They just go around loving me for no good reason. And the two of them who won’t be moving into college dorms on August 24th are going to tie me to this town. This town I tried so hard to escape, unscathed. They’re just going to be here, caring about my well being and making sure I’m happy. Nate’s going to be too far away for everything. I mean, honestly, what were we thinking? And don’t get me started on Goose. She’s just going to move to Akron and we’re going to be more than five minutes away from each other. That’s just no good.

I don’t want new people. I don’t want forced intellectual conversation. I don’t want the light. I want them.

I need them. I can’t even begin to fathom not having them at every turn. And sure, I’ll meet new people, and I’ll have cool things to do with them. But nothing will beat spending Friday night at home, talking over a movie in our pajamas.

In our own completely ridiculous way, we’re a family. I love them. I’m not sure I can handle leaving them too.

Our parents spend the first years of our lives raising us into people. They hope that they make us functional enough to move on and find our own tribe.

I’ve found them.

The Basic Constructs of Sister-Friendness

First and foremost, you are  mine. And I don’t mean to sound like a five  year old who can’t share her toys, but I will. You are mine, and mine alone. You are mine to torture. Mine to fight with. Mine to be furious with. Mine to give to. Mine to protect. Mine to stand up for. Mine to share what I have with. And I am yours.

We are sisters, if I’m mad at someone, so are you. And vice versa, woman.

Sometimes I get all sorts of angry for no reason. I’m sorry for any of the spiteful things I say out of being a stupid girl. Next time just call me something mean, and then we can all get over it.

The truth will set you free, but first it’ll infuriate you. That’s just the way life works. Spoiler alert: The truth is less painful anyways.

Learn to communicate with Mom and Dad, but mostly Mom. Your life will be exponentially easier.

I’m proud of you now and forever, and will support you always. But if you make the decision to be a homeless cocaine addict, I’m dragging you to rehab no matter how much you protest.

Yes, you can borrow that sweater. If I’m in a bad mood, and say no, borrow it anyways. Then tell me Mom said you could. I’ll get over myself.

Do whatever you want with your life (EXCEPT what we’ve earlier discussed). Do stupid things with your life. Take all kinds of risks; financial, physical, metaphorical, emotional. Remember that I’ll be there to cheer you on as you succeed, and to pick you up when you fail. I’ll probably laugh a little first, sorry in advance.

Don’t always listen to me. I’m not always right. Do what you want to do. Sometimes, don’t listen to anyone but you. A little rebellion is healthy.

Not all soul mates are lovers. Some are friends, some are family. We probably all have more than one. You were my first. You are my favorite soul mate. You’re my person.  Nothing can change that. I don’t care what it is, or how far it is, or how bad it may seem. I will always help you drag the dead body across the living room floor. I’ll bail you out of jail. I’ll fly across the world for you. Hell, I’d run across the world for you. I just may roll my eyes through most of it.

You are my first and oldest friend. Thank you.

Fake?

Let’s get something straight right off the bat, friendship isn’t like the movies. It takes a lot of work, and sometimes it even gets down right difficult. But you need people. They say that no man is an island and they’re right. I get that there are times when it feels like no one cares, or no one understands, or like you have literally no one. But it comes down to the do or die moments where you make the conscious decision to keep a friend. I’ve heard a lot of people say that they found out in high school that they have no real friends. We constantly complain about “fake” people. But do we ever take the time to get past the false part of people? Now, you know this is something even you do, we build up these walls in our lives. These personas we have for different people. To my best friend I am a compassionate, empathetic person, but I’m not like that with strangers. I’m more soft spoken in front of authority figures and significantly more outgoing with my peers. Does that make me fake? Maybe. Does that make me less of an honest person? If it does, and you have to think really hard about this, but doesn’t it make you a less honest person too? I don’t mind if you have a set standard you judge people by, that’s on you. But before you go and declare someone fake, take a look at yourself and see if what you’ve found in them isn’t just you pointing out the walls they’ve built up. You want them to talk about everything that ever happened to them? You can’t expect that from people; it’s not fair. We all have stuff we don’t like to talk about. Even more so, we all have stuff we don’t want others poking around in. That doesn’t make someone fake, it makes them human. And well, if you’re judging people on human faults then I’m not sure what you think you are. People are basically good. That’s the entire point here. But he’ll hath no fury like an angry person. So if you want people in your life, people you can call when your car breaks down, or people who will listen when you talk to them, you have to stop judging everyone and let somebody just be who they are.

I’ll follow into the Dark.

Hey,

“If Heaven and Hell decide that they both are satisfied, illuminate the “nos” on their vacancy signs, then I’ll follow you into the dark” (Death Cab for Cutie) .  There are very few people this statement can apply to for me. There are my people. Not just friends, but those who are literally always there for me. Yes, I will always be there for them. Friends who need me to be there, I am there. But people who jerk me around. People who cannot decide what they want. People who cannot handle me all the time. I am not good for them. If you have read the post prior to this, you understand when I say that I am not a very nice person, I do not think before I speak, and I do not consider others feelings. So im just not sensitive, sorry. But Mack, and Sam, and most of my “people” will tell you that i’m a good listener, im a good talker, and im here, always. But please liars, haters, those around to bring me down be nice about it. Yeah if I peeve you, let me know. Because I can justify ALL of my behavior. And yes this is another rant. But I took an hour of my time tonight to go swimming with one of my “people” because she needed the time. As a friend we are supposed to be there for the people we love, and who love us. If you cant do that for your friends, then you arnt doing your job right. For those of you who dislike me, that is your own problem. Get to know me, Im a good friend. As well as a pretty freakin’ good friend. At least I’d like to think so. But hey, if you dont like me, this is Ohio just wait 5 minutes.

-Tiger